It's 0238hrs and I'm sitting here with my cup of tea: it's thundering and raining. The quiet clear night air has that deliciously nice fresh green scent, you know, of freshly watered grass and leaves. And, you can see it now; the dozey slowly waking autumn has taken out it's paintbrush and applied a subtle hint of golden-copper colour around edges of leaves.
Maybe a glass of wine on the balcony before sleep would go down well. Why am I awake at this insane hour, I hear you muse? I guess I have a lot on my mind and I'm restless. But the night is so still, it's beautiful. Only nature's calming sounds, the gentle whispering of the wind sighing in the trees, and softly falling rain. Stars far off, there seems to be so much more distance and space to life at night. A certain clarity and deep peace.
I find it a good time to clear my mind of all the confusion of the day as I sit on my balcony and absorb the peaceful rustling of leaves and tapping rain. Rumble of thunder, a rush of wind, more rain. New moon on Monday; then, in two weeks it'll be the harvest moon, shining full, clear and purposely bright, clearly visible from my 6th floor apartment balcony.
A couple days ago I wrote something to a friend on facebook, the words just seemed to fall out in the right order so that what I said stuck with me and got me back to thinking about the whole matter of being bold. This has been on my mind lately, as a person who has been timid for long enough and who is trying to find the courage to dig deep enough and discover my *inner boldness*.
I pondered on it and discovered that for once I had actually succeeded in putting EXACTLY into words some of the thoughts that I am continually struggling to try to put down in a way that gets to the heart of the matter. And since I'm trying to develop my creative writing and poetical side through starting this blog I thought I'd share it with you. O.K, hang on, here it comes::
"NO you already have, YES you can get. It's always worth a try, there's nothing to lose, but if you don't ask, or try, you'll never know. You'll never know if it could be different, or what glorious new green mountainous far-stretching worlds are out there waiting to be discovered, because you'll always be stuck with NO, like a solid brick wall rising ground-up in front of you into the heavens."
haha - it's evolved somewhat, - even since the scribbling of this blog 36 hours ago, during the re-writing. And no doubt it will evolve more after I've slept on it a few days. Evolving usually entails making it more succint and less wordy. It still needs ~tweaking~ a tad. You're probably all thinking, well yeah......
I am very slowly beginning to learn that it makes a huge difference in life if you are able to free yourself of worrying about what other people think of you. In worrying about what other people think about you, in a sense you allow them to define who you are; you do that by trying to behave within the parameters of what you think they consider is acceptable.
Therefore it may well be true that the people who are closest to you have the capacity to mold you the most; and that can be good or bad in many complicated ways. I've noticed over the last few months that the less I worry about what people think of me, the more free I am to be myself. The more free to be myself I am, the more I seem to be able to relate to others, to be able to give again, to laugh out loud with them, to show love, acceptance and kindness, and to dare to take my place in life, alongside them. I think it also has something to do with learning to accept myself more, and consequently being able to love others more.
Of course there's always the risk of invevitable tripping, falling and possibly being seen as a slightly eccentric and obscure individual in the eyes of others, but it's a risk I'm willing to take as I endeavour to discover who I am within this new life I have just begun. Being bold is at times quite terrifying but has at least, until this point, rendered mostly positive results. How it continues.... remains to be seen.
But, enough of THAT. I had stated in my last post that pianos were 'behind locked doors' for me; however I am glad to announce that this is no longer the case. Last week, in a moment of determination and after a few googled attempts at locating a piano shop, I went to Alkmaar where I discovered a lovely antiquated piano shop down a pleasant sidestreet by the river. The owner restores pianos with much love and affection and having explained on the phone beforehand that I needed a piano for a year, he had picked one out for me to hire that fit into my budget.
It was an Eavestaff, the cheapest piano in the shop, lovingly restored and polished to a high-mirror shine; a deep burgundy hue. When I sat down to play, I had not expected the bright, clear crisp, sparkly exuberent and richly toned notes that bounced enthusiastically off all four walls and ceiling and made me smile from ear to ear. So I decided this was to be my *new friend* for the next year, upon which I would attempt to rediscover and work out all the fine tunes continually evolving and being re-born ceaselessly in my head. Maybe even write some music again.
Hugo, the shop owner, had a restored Steinway from 1917 nestled in the corner, and a Bechstein. I was allowed to play them too, such beautiful deep rich tones, it lifted my heart to play them. I believe that pianos have feelings, you know, and like people, they have many beautiful things to say, and are waiting to be heard, and to be given a loving home. Well, anyway, if you've got 38,000 euros in your pocket then the restored 1917 Steinway is yours. Had a nice cup of tea (always nice..) and talked with Hugo about music, he suggested a local jazz club and places where I could find music and others who love it.
The next morning, my new friend was delivered and given place of honour in my living room. A dodgy moment ensued whereby we both thought *he* would not fit through the hallway but finally we managed it. I think *he* (who I have yet to name) is slightly disgruntled from the move and may need another tuning, but I have really enjoyed playing him this week. Apparently my music echoes all through the gallery, so I will see if that sits well with other people or not...
I am working on my jazz again; it's so frustrating right now, I studied it at Uni but most of my energy went into classical piano, violin, singing and composition. I can hear the music, in my heart and head the notes are singing, however as yet I cannot get what's in my heart out onto the piano in a way that sounds right. Jazz is a whole other world to classical, a world of improvisation, the working-out of a basic idea which is continually evolving into something new and fresh, never the same, like an ongoing journey of discovery. And it just makes me happy.
In many ways I think it is harder than classical piano to master, but you really have to have a feel for jazz, that's the beginning of the journey. I am going to have to persevere with relentless excercises - and the complicated process of working out the music in my heart and head, until finally hopefully the notes create some form of musical poetry that sounds alive and will hopefull eventually make people smile.. If I can do that over the next year, as well as get my classical going again, I'll be well pleased.
Enough said. I have to stop obsessively messing with this blog now. A few moments of absent-minded fuggy star-staring and listening to wind rustling in trees on my balcony, are in order, before bed.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
have you had YOUR weetabix?
Dear friends, it's 0627hrs, and I'm up already which is quite remarkable for me as those of you who know me better, especially over the last 3 years, will agree. I cannot explain it but I just wanted to get up. It's a beautiful misty hazy morning, kettle's on, time for a cup of tea in my fave mug to try to shake the fugginess from my head. The water fountain on my balcony babbles, it's a lovely sound, very peaceful, not much else to hear but a few birds. A couple of cockerels in the farmyard across the street enthusiastically announce that it's indeed a fairly smart idea to be up and about.
Last night I laid in bed having serious doubts regarding my sanity after yesterday's reckless frenzy concerning the first posting of my thoughts, wondering if the world will think I'm crazy, yet dare I hope that this blog will be a positive step towards moving on, sharing uplifting and good things and becoming a more mature and wiser person...? Well now, that remains to be seen.
As for my blog title - 'a far green country' - Gandalf's musings in 'Return of the King' always stay with me even from the first time I read Tolkien's masterpiece and when I saw the film.
"I didn't think it would end this way."
"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it."
"What, Gandalf? See what?"
"White shores....and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise".
"Well, that isn't so bad".
"No, no it isn't".
Return of the King
Tolkien
It is a beautiful illustration of hope against the odds, and of courage in the face of darkness; the persistant choice to hold onto hope in the face of adversity and to not quit. I see it as a picture of heaven, and psalm 23's green pastures and quiet waters... but more about that another time.
Sun is breaking through the clouds, and I still have to have some breakfast. Have you had YOUR weetabix? Well I can't face my day without it; ahh.. the classic quintessential *British Breakfast Cereal*, it doesn't get much better than that does it?? I was brought up on the stuff......pour the milk on and try to gobble it up speedily before all the milk is absorbed and it degenerates into a soggy slumpy mass of goo. Ha ha!....ummm....yeah... good times.
Well now, I continue on my hunt for a piano today, hoping that soon I'll come across some funky priceless treasure ~ (maybe a clapped out old affair from a bar that would appreciate a bit of TLC and a good home???) ~ upon which I will be able to work out all the fine tunes that are persistant in relentlessly knocking around in my head.
I've already checked out the local 'left-overs' store, no nifty bargain to be bagged there, so now onto the next effort to find one. I've taken up playing again over the last few months but it's getting increasingly frustrating not having a piano at home to play on.
Last Saturday I went to Alkmaar and towards the end of the afternoon when I was wondering around in the drizzling rain, I discovered a seemingly deserted theatre and tried all the locked doors to the halls hoping to stumble upon a grand piano to play. After all, that's generally where you will find grand pianos, in big grand halls.
Sad, you're thinking, very sad, yes, I know; - but the drive is there to play again and to be able to play upon a grand piano gives me joy. I miss that a lot from university. There is something sacred about a lovely Steinway or Yamaha grand piano standing gloriously in a spacious quiet empty hall just waiting to be played. And good acoustics, the notes soar. But for now pianos seem to be behind locked doors for me.
Saw a video this week of some idiot who decided it would be cool - supposedly in the name of *art* - to burn a grand piano whilst playing on it. !?Say what?!
After seeing that, felt quietly infuriated and moody for a bit.
I have a distinct allergy to seeing pianos being dropped - squashed - burned - hammered - crushed etc etc; why do you see that so often? Well how dare they? So not cool. It was very sad, a piano is like a beautiful piece of art. But DON'T get me started on that, you'll soon tire of reading this blog...if you haven't already.
Well it's time for that weetabix. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you have a great day.
Last night I laid in bed having serious doubts regarding my sanity after yesterday's reckless frenzy concerning the first posting of my thoughts, wondering if the world will think I'm crazy, yet dare I hope that this blog will be a positive step towards moving on, sharing uplifting and good things and becoming a more mature and wiser person...? Well now, that remains to be seen.
As for my blog title - 'a far green country' - Gandalf's musings in 'Return of the King' always stay with me even from the first time I read Tolkien's masterpiece and when I saw the film.
"I didn't think it would end this way."
"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it."
"What, Gandalf? See what?"
"White shores....and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise".
"Well, that isn't so bad".
"No, no it isn't".
Return of the King
Tolkien
It is a beautiful illustration of hope against the odds, and of courage in the face of darkness; the persistant choice to hold onto hope in the face of adversity and to not quit. I see it as a picture of heaven, and psalm 23's green pastures and quiet waters... but more about that another time.
Sun is breaking through the clouds, and I still have to have some breakfast. Have you had YOUR weetabix? Well I can't face my day without it; ahh.. the classic quintessential *British Breakfast Cereal*, it doesn't get much better than that does it?? I was brought up on the stuff......pour the milk on and try to gobble it up speedily before all the milk is absorbed and it degenerates into a soggy slumpy mass of goo. Ha ha!....ummm....yeah... good times.
Well now, I continue on my hunt for a piano today, hoping that soon I'll come across some funky priceless treasure ~ (maybe a clapped out old affair from a bar that would appreciate a bit of TLC and a good home???) ~ upon which I will be able to work out all the fine tunes that are persistant in relentlessly knocking around in my head.
I've already checked out the local 'left-overs' store, no nifty bargain to be bagged there, so now onto the next effort to find one. I've taken up playing again over the last few months but it's getting increasingly frustrating not having a piano at home to play on.
Last Saturday I went to Alkmaar and towards the end of the afternoon when I was wondering around in the drizzling rain, I discovered a seemingly deserted theatre and tried all the locked doors to the halls hoping to stumble upon a grand piano to play. After all, that's generally where you will find grand pianos, in big grand halls.
Sad, you're thinking, very sad, yes, I know; - but the drive is there to play again and to be able to play upon a grand piano gives me joy. I miss that a lot from university. There is something sacred about a lovely Steinway or Yamaha grand piano standing gloriously in a spacious quiet empty hall just waiting to be played. And good acoustics, the notes soar. But for now pianos seem to be behind locked doors for me.
Saw a video this week of some idiot who decided it would be cool - supposedly in the name of *art* - to burn a grand piano whilst playing on it. !?Say what?!
After seeing that, felt quietly infuriated and moody for a bit.
I have a distinct allergy to seeing pianos being dropped - squashed - burned - hammered - crushed etc etc; why do you see that so often? Well how dare they? So not cool. It was very sad, a piano is like a beautiful piece of art. But DON'T get me started on that, you'll soon tire of reading this blog...if you haven't already.
Well it's time for that weetabix. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you have a great day.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New beginnings...
well... here it is, a bit scary for me, but I thought I'd give it a go. I wonder about being open with the world, never done that before, you write like this you show your heart to the world. But I'll take the risk;.....time to be bold, and got to not worry about what people think, just be myself, jump, and hope my wings work....
So, here I am... I take my place alongside the vast masses of people flinging their thoughts and musings out into cyberspace. Lately I've found inspiration again, it's been a long time since I've felt inspired, even a matter of years...and feeling the motivation to create returning to you is always a good thing.
September's around the corner, somehow this time of year always has an appeal to me; it has a sort of start-again-buckle-down-and-get-on-with-it feel to it. Yes, spring is about new beginnings but in a sense autumn too, at least to me, and I have many good memories of making inspiring fresh starts in the autumn. Big changes in my life often coincided with this time of year.
Apart from anything else I love the mellow twilight of summer, those long golden days with cool evenings. Sleepy summer leaves take on copper hues, and there seems to be a sort of restful quietness in nature after the frenzy of summer. The full harvest moon rises sultry red and low on the horizon, sky all fuggy and hazy. A sort of meditative introspective ambience.
But enough already with the poetic jibble-jabble. I want to try out creative writing again.... There's so much I have to do and want to do, so far I have to journey to get to where I am supposed to be going. And at the moment I am trying to find out where exactly that is. The last 16 years and the whole mish-mash of things that have happened came to an abrupt end; a whole world disintigrated suddenly, like firm ground fragmenting away right beneath my feet. Surreal and terrifying.
But now no looking back anymore and it's time to get up, stop feeling blue and make something of my life. These past years....hopefully I'm stronger for it, maybe a little wiser, I guess we'll find out.
So, here I am... I take my place alongside the vast masses of people flinging their thoughts and musings out into cyberspace. Lately I've found inspiration again, it's been a long time since I've felt inspired, even a matter of years...and feeling the motivation to create returning to you is always a good thing.
September's around the corner, somehow this time of year always has an appeal to me; it has a sort of start-again-buckle-down-and-get-on-with-it feel to it. Yes, spring is about new beginnings but in a sense autumn too, at least to me, and I have many good memories of making inspiring fresh starts in the autumn. Big changes in my life often coincided with this time of year.
Apart from anything else I love the mellow twilight of summer, those long golden days with cool evenings. Sleepy summer leaves take on copper hues, and there seems to be a sort of restful quietness in nature after the frenzy of summer. The full harvest moon rises sultry red and low on the horizon, sky all fuggy and hazy. A sort of meditative introspective ambience.
But enough already with the poetic jibble-jabble. I want to try out creative writing again.... There's so much I have to do and want to do, so far I have to journey to get to where I am supposed to be going. And at the moment I am trying to find out where exactly that is. The last 16 years and the whole mish-mash of things that have happened came to an abrupt end; a whole world disintigrated suddenly, like firm ground fragmenting away right beneath my feet. Surreal and terrifying.
But now no looking back anymore and it's time to get up, stop feeling blue and make something of my life. These past years....hopefully I'm stronger for it, maybe a little wiser, I guess we'll find out.
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one my 'far green country' drawings
one of my 'far green country' drawings